Session 3 out of 5
Important: I invite you to read this coaching session and discover something new for yourself, put yourself in the shoes of client, also when the situation is not 100% as yours.
Couch: Hey, Liat!
Client: Hi Raya!
Couch: How do you feel about today's session?
Couch: Well, then let me remind you that this is a space for you, for your experience, for your emotions. If necessary, you can either interrupt me if you feel that either the topic is not comfortable, or this topic does not run you to the goal. This space is for you.
Coach: Could I use our today's session to publish it, you can change your mind at the end of the session and tell me.
Client: Yes, you can. I will update you, if I want to change my decision.
Couch: What is the important thing you want to work on today?
Client: Okay. I want to work on my calendar. What is happening is that during our previous sessions, things are being explored and worked out that do not work or I would like it to be different. I don't know how well we did our job, but at the end of the session something was added to my calendar. Some kind of actions. Something like, every morning to brush my teeth, and every evening, to brush my teeth. And this goes on for four to five days and then, it disappears. I want to understand. Why? I understand that there is some kind of, as we all know, 14 days, 21 days of building a habit and that you need to overpower yourself, and brush your teeth every morning through force. And then it will be easier and there will be no resistance. Is it just like that? I thought, well, simple laziness, I kind of don’t want to do it. And I don’t want it and it is more important than some future goal. And this is what I want to work out as a result of the session, it's just like a recipe according to which I will get up after the session and go to do it for 21 days, and everything will work out for me.
Couch: Tell me one moment, you first said that there was supposedly a calendar of necessary actions which disappears, correctly?
Client: No, I keep track of all my activities, all my appointments, everything I put on a calendar. And these things are also on the calendar, because it is convenient. All this to conduct in one place and see it in one resource.
Couch: And what disappears with time is an action. Do I get it right?
Client: Yes! It is, it is there on a calendar, it is there, I just don't take it into account. Well, I look at my calendar and my calendar looks at me back, and we sort of continue to do what we were doing.
Couch: And what is going on with you? Are you worried in this situation when there is no action? What is the problem?
Client: It seems like I want to. I want this result, which will be when I do something every day, every evening, every morning. And also I want this like some kind of magical result right now.
Couch: And the actions that you describe, which will bring results, do you also want them?
Client: Yes, you know, when I look at them, of course, I joked with you about brushing my teeth. It was very cool. Hahaha. The morning routine is to make the bed, drink a glass of water, then do stretching, then meditation, then look at the calendar and visualise the success and activity of today. Then make a list of things that I have to do today. And all this plus a contrast shower. And I live on the eight floor. Go down and up the stairs three times. So I opened everything to you, all the cards.
Couch: I just want to share that I want to do it all also…. Well. Cool list. Do you like this list?
Client: Look, it is very cool, it is cool to me. It is, I do not see that there is something impossible or very difficult at all. Everything is possible for me and this, as well, and it takes me a maximum of 20 minutes. And it is possible. Well, when I even read this now, I immediately recall this feeling after. Every day when I did it. That's exactly the effect of what I did and how my body, and how I generally mentally felt. And all this after I read this, I recall this feeling after I did it and how awesome it was.
Couch: Look what you said, it’s all like that, naturally, as if there is no difficulty for you. How can you formulate the result for today, what do you want to get? Maybe ready-made recipes you said?
Client: How does this relate to the recipe?
Couch: What is the connection between what you said? If everything is clear to you and what do you want to highlight as a result of everything that has been said now, that will give you even more clarity and desire.
Client: This is the result. The result is such a battery or a light that will burn for 21 days and motivate me to do this every morning.
Couch: Do you think you can get that battery during this session?
Client: Yes, I think it's possible.
Couch: Tell me, how do you feel when this battery is activated?
Client: I think there will be such inner enthusiasm, energy, attitude.
Couch: Okay. And how does it feel now?
Client: Well, now it feels like something….not like emptiness, but like emptiness, so that it is something like a readiness to receive this light, this battery. Here I have prepared a place for this light, bring and put a light.
Couch: Could I elluminate you something that you said, like bring me a light and also at the beginning - bring me a light.
Couch: How do you feel about it? What do you see now?
Client: I shifted the responsibility.
Couch: Yes? And what about your feelings, what do you want to do with it?
Couch: Did you shift the responsibility?
Client: Let's explore it, because I don't know what I want to do with it.
Couch: Accepted. Look, if we've exploring responsibility. I have an idea for you. I will share my idea and you will choose to take it or not. Let's try. Let's consider the result of today's session is not just as a result, but we will use the word contract. What is the difference from my perspective? When we sign a contract, it's something important for us. What can bring us some money and opportunities for a while. But at the same time it also gives responsibility, because we sign. Before signing, we will think, do what we need. Is getting this battery so meaningful for you? Can you contract? This is the importance for me, first of all, to say that you are ready to sign, as if even this is a contract.
Couch: If there is a signature then. Forward to the result. What would you like to explore then? Do you think that maybe you can get closer to the result in some way?
Client: I think it was very, very, very sharp, about the contract and about the responsibility. And then I think that something that brings me closer is….Why me? I give, I lose, I am not responsible for my responsibility.
Couch: Interesting. I give and I lose. What exactly? Only responsibility or can you clarify a little?
Client: When do I choose, I'm like when I do, then I'm like I'm an adult who chooses to do. And when I don't, I am a child who…well, such a capricious one, who today I want this way, and tomorrow I want another way and in general, no matter how you tell me what to do, I know everyone better. And, well, I don't know if I'm giving up responsibility, or I'm losing it, or I'm choosing not to be responsible, I'm choosing to be a child.
Couch: I hear that “if I'm choosing” is a keyword. Do I understand correctly, that you choose who to be at the moment and each day?
Client: Of course, we all choose, consciously or unconsciously, we constantly choose.
Couch: What drives you to choose on a particular day?
Client: Different circumstances affect.
Couch: And where do you feel more comfortable, when you chose, the child or when you chose the adult. What a day.
Client: Well, in both positions.
Couch: in both positions.
Client: Yes, because I think it's like the balance of feminine and masculine, when I feel relaxed, it's like allowing yourself, yes, to be super effective and also lie around………. And, well, maybe then. This routine, maybe not to do it every day…….
Couch: You know, I also heard this phrase, that you want to do and you want the result of actions. Do you see any stimulus for your actions, for this list that even evokes such vivid, positive emotions in you?
Client: What is stimulating me?
Couch: You spoke about the feeling that this entire list gives you after you did it. What makes you, without forcing yourself, what will stimulate you to choose the position of an adult, choose, act in order to get a result?
Client: What I see is that when something is being worked out, after that there is some kind of spark that stimulates me to promise to do it for several days in a row, and then some conditions and circumstances seem to me more important than my promise.
Couch: I want to share with you. It looks like there is a conflict. On the one hand, there is a desire, and on the other hand, there are conditions that supposedly do not allow this desire to manifest itself constantly. What do you think about it?
Client: Yes, there is a desire to achieve, but there is a desire……Well, I don't even know how to say it. Well, it’s like, it’s like what a good girl you are, you’ve already done this for four days, and today you can relax, today you can rest. Wow! And I have this phrase, it is repeated in everything , in any new habit.
Couch: Please tell me, what is the conflict in this then? Because when you said - to reward, to encourage, I saw you have a smile, light in your eyes, calm and satisfied.
Client: Because then it doesn't come back. Yes, it turns out that I once allowed myself. Then a second time allowed myself and so on.
Couch: Why do you think this is happening the second time and third time? Again, the conflict, you understand the importance of the result, and the process itself brings you pleasure when you shared the feelings you had.
Client: But this is probably an inner child and adult, as if they are competing. And it's like that: OK, yesterday I was allowed not to do it, let's try today again against the rules. Oh, well, this is just my phrase from childhood, this is what I did all my childhood.
Couch: How does it feel? How do you feel? Are you working on a contract?
Client: Yes, let's go, let's go.
Couch: I feel like there is a conflict? How do you like conflicts? Do you see it?
Client: Yes, I see a conflict. But after this phrase, that I said. When an adult and a child compete, and when a child is there like yesterday we were allowed, let's go again against the rules today. It's just awesome, because as an adult, I can choose. Choose how to relax today. But from the point of view of an adult, and not a child who competes with an adult.
Couch: Tell me, please, how can you support yourself in this position of an adult in yourself?
Client: Well, something like that. I don't know.
Couch: Now if you were doing a survey of an adult versus child competition. Now, if you would be a judge from the side, I know, you can invite her to look at all, from a third side, how you would like to resolve this conflict. If, of course, such a look will be useful to you, what do you think?
Client: Resolve the conflict between child and adult. The only thing that comes to my mind is that I don’t want, I don’t want to punish this child somehow, because she is so special. Yes, she attaches some chaos is in order. That is, she gives this chaos a little a little a little bit of lawlessness and….. Well, how will everything go according to the rules?
Coach: I hear this like you accepting yourself, and accepting parts of yourself. And again, your smile and have this easy confidence. How are you?
Client: Yes, I feel great
Coach: Maybe there is no conflict? Perhaps this situation is comfortable for you?
Client: Well, why then does it matter to do this morning routine?
Coach: I think that's the question you're asking yourself and it's a question worth answering. And maybe it'll give you additional progress. It's quite possible that there is some meaning.
Client: That's what came to me - to do this morning routine not every day, that is, not immediately turn on full volume, but even every other day or something like that, and then put it more often or the same way, and then it will be in balance with the child. And then it won’t be through forcing, I think that this will create a desire to do it, because when it’s forcible, it meets a child and the child says no, no, we don’t follow the rules!
Coach: It just sounded as conscious and adult as possible, which seemed to create a balance between an adult and a child. Do not resolve the conflict, but accept that there is no conflict. What do you think?
Coach: and probably, it sounded several times - the word “routine”. Do you want to change this word to?
Client: Yeees, I'll take your idea and change it to "morning fulfilment".
Coach: You know the words, the word “routine” means something different for everyone, the main thing is that you fill it with what is valuable and important to you.
Client: Yes, I really liked it, thanks for the idea.
Coach: we are running out of time, so the question is what will you do as the first step after the session to realise this contract?
Client: I think that I will change the name in the calendar to "morning fulfilment", I have this list written in English - I will translate it into Hebrew and clarify in each paragraph what exactly it means, because when I get to the stretching point, I don't really understand what I should do. Specify.
Coach: And what can stop you and interfere with this intention?
Client: I think the old paradigm, something that will be more important. But now we ... I decided that this is not possible every day, and somehow you don’t need to reproach yourself for what you didn’t do. Here somehow everything suddenly becomes easier and even in some kind of game form.
Coach: I hear you already listed the ways to support, but do you have any other ideas?
Client: No, not yet, I think that's enough for now.
Coach: Then how do you want to end the session?
Client: I want to thank you for highlighting it from different angles, for your patience and for your questions. Thank you very much.
Coach: I also thank you for your work, for your key insights, and the ability to get out of inextricable situations, when there seems to be no answer, you have such a conscious responsibility for your result. Thank you very much and see you next time.
Client: Thank you very much