Coach: Hi Yoval.
Client: Hi Raya.
Coach: Nice to see you again.
Client: I'm glad to see you too.
Coach: I would like to ask, first of all, permission to record this session and publish it later without mentioning names and titles.
Client: I give my permission.
Coach: Thank you. Please tell me what you want to work on today? What topic is important today?
Client: I was at one meeting, everyone shared their opinion, and somehow, when I shared mine, they didn’t hear, it was very unpleasant for me, I repeated it several times, and still they didn’t hear it, and then 10 minutes before the end of the meeting - one of the participants asked me if I could repeat my idea again, since there were 10 minutes left until the end of the meeting, and we had not yet reached any decision on any of the 4 points of the meeting, I answered - no, let's already move on to the next item. And I think…maybe I said it in some touchy voice and everyone stopped talking and began to persuade me to repeat my idea….So my request to our session is to understand why I reacted this way, how can I react to it easier?
Coach: I hear that there are two requests, the first is to understand, the second is easier way to respond. So you want to understand why you react the way you do?
Client: Yes
Coach: Please tell me, why do you need this understanding?
Client: In order to have an easier reaction in the following similar situations, to feel more comfortable.
Coach: Why would you react more easily? It seems that you have achieved your goal - everyone wanted to listen to your idea. Maybe this is a good strategy and should not be changed?
Client: This reaction was uncomfortable for me and for others. I notice that when there is a lot of noise, I do not want to go into it and share my opinion. And I still force myself to express my opinion, but my answers are very short and laconic ... well, I want to say something, I need to say something, I don’t want to be silent after all and wait for a pleasant atmosphere to say a word.
Coach: I hear you also talk about the importance and desire to share your opinion, and the ease of sharing your opinion. And what is more important?
Client: The second, the comfort and ease of my reactions. I would like to understand and find out the reasons why I react this way, why there is no lightness. It's just that most of my meetings are one-on-one, I give a person the opportunity to share his opinion, we are equal in these meetings. It's just that when there are many participants, there is no meeting structure, time is not controlled, it is very difficult for me to feel comfortable in such a chaos.
Coach: Let's analyze the last meeting. What happened at the level of feelings?
Client: Let's analyze. (silence) When I say something and they don’t hear me or there is a competition - my fuse works - I’m not important, my opinion is not important and then I get offended, I sit quietly, punishing others that they won’t hear my magic solution or idea.
Coach: You said that this thought comes - I’m not important - where does this thought come from? Why does it first appear in the brain? Do you have evidence?
Client: There is no evidence! It's just a phrase that pops up in my brain when they don't hear me - I shut up and think - well, then fight without me, I'll keep my smart ideas to myself. And so I will punish you.
Coach: Do you want to punish?
Client: Of course! If I don't share my smart ideas, the world won't move on without me...what a punishment...just kidding.
Coach: I understand. And what do you benefit from doing it?
Client: Yes, it's very childish, I’m acting....
Coach: I understand that this is childish, but do you remember at previous meetings we discussed the balance of a child and an adult, because both a child and an adult live in each of us. Do you think there is a balance to be found there?
Client: Interesting .... you know, I think it's just a group of children gathering and everyone is screaming and expressing their opinion. When I stop screaming and start to get offended or wait until they calm down, because…well….. How can you behave like this in a meeting?
Coach: How would you like to react in such situations? What is the ideal reaction?
Client: I think that I would like to continue to speak and share my opinion without becoming a strict teacher, allowing everyone else to be children without the expectation that each of them should already be able to do something.
But how to choose it?
How to turn off this machine in me?
Coach: Why do you think this machine works?
Client: An interesting question ... you know, such an idea appeared - it’s like a game with importance, at first I’m on an equal participant, then if I don’t have evidences about it and they hint me that I’m not important, then I will wait them to prove me that I'm important and then I'll share my opinion again. They all don’t know how to communicate, so what if I’m going to waste my time on them, I’ll sit here quietly….quietly.
Coach: Here was the topic of importance, proof of your importance. Who are you proving it to? To yourself or others?
Client: Of course, to others, and to myself, probably ... if I knew that I am important, I would not have to prove it to anyone.
(silence)
If it were an axiom - I'm important, then probably it wouldn't even come up.
Coach: Could this be one of the reasons why you react this way, because this importance is vague or not fixed or does not sound like an axiom?
Client: Yes... You know, this importance does not always work, for example, when I am with my development team and I am their manager, everyone knows exactly who is important here, but at the same time I give them all the freedom to share and initiate and everything works smoothly for us. But when it's with colleagues of my level, sometimes an incomprehensible game begins there ...
Coach: How interesting, there is importance with your team, but there is no importance with managers of your level and you want to achieve it, importance is everywhere?
Client: Yes... (laughing)
Coach: How would you like to create or reinforce this axiom of your importance?
Client: You know, after I shared or maybe discovered all this, I realized, I understood, for me this thought seems to be completely trivial now.
Coach: Is there anything else that can support you in such situations?
Client: Yes, I have a cat on my desk who constantly agrees with me and shakes his head. (laughing) I think he will remind me that I am important and sometimes it is useful to play games with smart people and argue, learn to argue and prove my opinion.
Coach: How are we progressing with your request?
Client: Yes, I think we figured it out and dug it out, we can finish.
Coach: Thank you for the session.
Client: Thank you. Bye. See you.