Resentment is one of the biggest sources of suffering in our lives — within the family, at work, with parents, everywhere.
Let’s find out what our resentment is for, what is the benefit to us? Why do we feel resentment and how can we stop doing this, choosing freedom from the heaviness of this emotion?
Resentment has many different forms. Here is a few signs you may be harboring it:
Continual or recurring strong feelings (for example, anger), when you think about some interaction or experience.
Inability to stop thinking about the event that triggered these strong emotions.
Feelings of regret.
Fear of conflict or its avoidance.
Feeling invisible / inadequate.
Resentment is a negative emotion which appears when we have expectations that something will go according to plan A, and instead of this everything goes according to plan B, and we give this a negative meaning. We are often annoyed, offended, or hurt by the same situations.
During the “resentment” reaction algorithm, we shift responsibility for our life to another person, even to the country, or fate, thinking “he told me”, “he did / did not do”. We choose the role of a victim, becoming a hostage of the situation. More sophisticated demands to other people and less to oneself is a quality of resentful people.
Why do we take offense? To draw attention to ourselves. It can be a manipulation with the purpose of getting what you want, or a way to take revenge / punish the culprit. Resentful people cannot say directly what exactly they do not like. They begin to wind up themselves and accumulate resentment. Of course, it greatly affects the health of a resentful person.
What can we do in such situations? Is there a way to get rid of the habit of being resentful?
1. Learn to talk immediately about the things you do not like or which are unpleasant for you.
2. Observe and analyze the situation. If it has changed — good! If not, ask yourself what can you do or say to improve it.
3. Do not allow a disrespectful attitude towards yourself!
4. Do not be afraid to take initiative and change the situation.
5. Do not shift responsibility to another person. Do not wait for him to change.
6. Write two lists. The first one will describe your life in case you’re continuing on the course of resentment. The second one — what your life could look like without resentment.
7. Speak up! Do not expect people to understand you, feel you or take your side. Just talk about what is important to you and what you want to change.
8. Take an active position in your life. Take full responsibility for all you have in your life and for all results of your decisions.
9. When we do and say these things, it is very important how it happens exactly, what kind of energy do we have at that moment. We can do all of the points above with resentment energy. This needs to be changed. You should understand that nobody in this world is against you. Start doing and saying things with the energy of cooperation. This means that there should be an inner motif which can be verbalized as “I want to cooperate”. In this state you want to create something together, not to break or punish.
Most of the scenarios or algorithms of “resentment” first appear in childhood. At that time some situation has happened to us and changed our point of view on the world around us, and we give it a negative meaning. From this moment it is our truth. From now on, in such situations, our brain will give us a negative meaning — “it happens because they don’t like me, they don’t notice me, I’m not important”. It is amazing that this scenario works exactly like a general computer algorithm or rule.
It is advisable to find the very first situation when you created the resentment algorithm. Remember this situation and try to forgive everyone. If you can, explore it by yourself, if not, see a specialist and get rid of the habit of being resentful.
Find freedom to lead your life, reactions, relationships, and results.